Self Inflicted
by ThatOneExorcist
Summary: Rin Okumura had been doing fine in terms of friends, in terms of school, in terms of his steady pace in the art of Exorcism... but all that changes when something goes wrong during a seemingly simple mission, causing him to crash and burn among his own flames, so to speak. Rated M for self harm, depression themes, language, stuff like that. My first story so go easy on me plz! :)
1. Lady Midday

So yeah, I got this story idea in a dream. It wasn't Ao no Exorcist characters, but, y'know, same premise. So I just changed it up a li'l bit and it came out like this. So yeah, enjoy if you wanna, thanks for reading! :) R&R.

* * *

Self inflicted

* * *

It wasn't his fault.

It was the work of demons.

Rin knew that. The others knew that. But still they...

Well, you probably don't know what's going on, so I guess we'll start from the beginning. So, here we go...

One Week Earlier.

"This is where the mission's taking place?"

"I-it's so creepy..."

"Gross! Something's dripping out of that window!"

The others were staring up at the abandoned asylum, checking the place out before they entered. An old, battered sign hung at an angle above the padlocked doors. The lower floor windows were boarded up, but the floors above that were left open, smashed in and dirty. Rin took a deep breath and grinned. To be honest, he had a bad feeling about this place, and he didn't actually want to go in. But that was just his hyperactive nerves talking. He took a step forward.

"Well? What are we waiting for? Let's go!" He was about to take off when Yukio grabbed the back of his collar.

"Wait a moment, Mr. Okumura, you have to know what we're up against." The younger brother said. Rin paused, stopping his struggling, and nodded.

"Fair enough." He consented, and Yukio let go of him, pulling out a book as he did so. He opened it to a bookmarked page and cleared his throat.

"The demons we are up against are mid-class demons that are the offspring of a demon called Poludnica, or, more commonly, Lady Midday. Her offspring are tricky. They can shape shift, and pretend to be someone you know. They have also been known to cause insanity. Their weakness is clarity. You have to keep a calm mind through this mission, stick in your group, and keep one another safe. If your partner is possessed, try and bring them back by telling them things that they've done, good things." Rin snickered.

"That sounds sooo cliché! Like something out of a- ouch!" Yukio slapped him upside the head sharply.

"If you don't take in this information, you may as well be walking to your death... or, well, insanity." The eldest twin sighed dramatically. "Fine, fine, let's get this over with already!" He marched forwards and this time, Yukio didn't stop him. Instead, the group of young exorcists entered the foreboding asylum.

Once inside, they were told their partners. Rin and Suguro, (which was probably not a great idea,) Renzou and Konekomaru, and Yukio and Shiemi. And, with a fair bit of grumbling from the Rin/Bon pair, they split up, prepared to fight.

Little did they know, they were up against something much, much worse.

Around an hour in, Rin and Suguro noticed that the asylum, which had been filled with sounds like the creaking of the building and the wind whistling through the broken windows, had become eerily silent. Neither of them had encountered any Poludnican demons, and they had started thinking that this 'exorcism' was all for naught. But with the sudden quiet, they were starting to think there was something amiss.

And that's when it happened.

The woman appeared out of the gloom, clothed in wispy white fabric, her long, wavy, dark purple hair drifting about her head and shoulders like a mist. And then, she spoke, her voice smooth as honey.

"Hello children. Would you like to hear a story?" The two boys whipped around, hands on their weapons. The woman chuckled.

"Come on now, I'm not going to harm you. I just want to tell you a story." she insisted, sitting down in a dusty, cobwebbed chair. Bon lifted his bazooka and aimed it carefully.

"Are you one of the Poludnican demons?" He inquired with a sharp tone. Without hesitation, she shook her head.

"No. I'm not. Will you please just listen to my story? It's a good one, I promise you." she looked straight into Rin's eyes and murmured, "Oh yes, a very good story." Ron frowned and his sword dropped a bit. Suguro looked like he was about to protest when Rin cut him off.

"Wait, let's listen, it might help us out, you never know. She's not one of the demons. She could just be a ghost." Bon didn't look totally convinced, but he didn't shoot. The lady nodded and began to speak.

"Once upon a time, there was a little boy. He had heard stories all his life, mostly from his mother. Sometimes, his father would tell him tales as well." She paused. Her eyes were jet black, whites, iris, and pupil.

"But one day, that was all taken from him in a flash of a brilliant blue. They were gone, and no one was able to tell him the wondrous stories again." Something prickled at the back of Rin's mind, but he ignored it. The lady continued.

"And so, determined, he vowed to avenge his parents, his brother, his temple." Bon's eyes widened, and he went to stop her, but she had already started up again, seeming to get excited.

"And one day, years after, while on a trip, he was betrayed! Dreadfully betrayed by one of his own friends! One he had thought he could trust with his life. But no," She stopped again, briefly, looking into Rin's blue eyes.

"Those blue flames were too much. They reminded him of the night when his family burned around him. Then, slowly, some of his trust was regained." The woman stood and advanced. The boys were frozen, seeming to have been coated in ice, unable to even speak.

"But still, to this day, he doesn't fully trust his friend. Constantly afraid that he'll go berserk and kill everyone he cares about." Rin's eyes teared up, but he still could not even talk.

"In fact, none of them fully trust in him! They all have that seed of doubt, and with each small flicker, even as small as a match flare, the sapling grows, branching out like a great oak." She said walking around them. She leaned down to Rin's pointed ear and whispered, none too quietly,

"And that is the end of my story. Did you like it, Rin dear?"

Rin gulped, now able to speak, but not move.

"Who are you?" he rasped, blinking back the sorrow. She smiled softly.

"Did my story stir something in your heart? Ta, oh, I'm sorry dear..."

"I said, 'who are you?!'"

She stepped back, hesitated with a wide grin on her face, then said clearly,

"You may address me as Lady Midday, if you wish. But, one of you won't have much time to do that..." And with that, she swooped towards them, and kissed Rin's forehead. Everything slowed down. Suguro, finally able to move freely, turned his weapon towards the quickly dissipating demon, and Rin's eyes glowed and became jagged and scrambled. Lady Midday smirked and disappeared, and Bon withheld his attack, only to be blasted back by a whirlwind of force. He stared.

"Okumura..."

Rin had drawn the sword. His long ears stuck out and his tail swished back and fourth, ablaze with fire. His nails had grown out, long and sharp, as well as his teeth. He spotted Bon and approached, snarling.

Suguro stood and ran, whipping out his cell phone as he did. He quickly wrote a text to everyone, not able to explain everything clearly. He heard the now insane half demon behind him, around the corner, and he ducked into a room and slammed the door closed. He locked it, then hid behind a dresser drawer to send the text.

'Okumura's been possessed. We need to get out, now.'

Bon winced at the now loud, _'ding'_ as the text was sent. He felt heat blast the door off it's hinges, and Rin staggered inside. He looked around, then lifted his nose as if to smell the air. His head whipped towards the dresser and Bon mentally swore as the black haired boy advanced. Bon took a deep breath.

'Please get here soon, mr. Okumura!' he jumped out from his hiding place, surprising Rin. He was able to knock the blade from his hands. It skidded across the room and under a desk. He growled and attempted to claw his face, but Bon grabbed his hands and twisted. He screeched in pain and his flames rose higher, burning Suguro, when a gunshot was heard.

Rin stopped dead. Then, all of the sudden, he dropped to his knees, eyes closing and flames dying. He fell to the ground, a bullet wound in his left shoulder. Yukio rushed in, grabbed the sword, and shoved it back into the sheath in his hands. Rin's ears and nails shrank, but he was still bleeding heavily. Yukio ran over and dropped to his knees. He opened his case, pulled out a roll of gauze, anti bacterial paste, and tweezers. Without a word, he spread the paste onto Bon's burnt and blistered hands, wrapped them, then set to work on Rin. Before the wound had closed, he managed to fish the bullet out of his flesh before stripping of his siblings jacket and shirt and propping him up so he could wrap bandages around him, securing the gun shot wound.

The brown haired exorcist sighed and looked at Ryuji.

"Mr. Suguro, are you alri-" He tried to ask, concern in his voice, but the astounded teen interrupted him.

"He tried to kill me." He croaked. His throat felt sore from breathing in the scalding heat of the blue flames. His head turned slowly towards Yukio.

"Do you know what this means, Okumura? It means that he can't be trusted! It may have been provoked, but he's too dangerous to have around!" Yukio stayed silent and Bon gulped before continuing.

"You have to inform the higher ups. We have to get him out." He finished. Yukio stood and adjusted his glasses, which had been thrown askew while he ran towards the sound of the demonic roars that could only have been his brother.

"Mr. Suguro, I understand that you're shaken up by this incident, but under the rules, if an induced attack on a fellow exorcist is committed, then no extreme consequences will be dealt. I'm sorry that-" He was cut off again.

"Screw that! He's different, and you know that! It's a whole different scenario seeing as he's the son of Satan! He could kill someone in a second if they weren't expecting it!" Bon shouted anxiously. Yukio gathered up his things and noticed that the other young exorcists were standing in the doorway, looking on in shock. They obviously knew what was going on. Yukio huffed and said,

"It makes no difference according to-"

"That's because there hasn't been a kid of Satan before!"

Bon stood and stormed out, followed first by Konekomaru, then Shima, then Izumo, who looked genuinely uninterested. Shiemi lingered for a little while longer before exiting, looking a bit frightened. Yukio, a bit miffed, waited for a moment before Rin sat up, finally awake. He straightened up, picked up his sword and looked at Yukio meaningfully. Then, silently, he left the room.

He had been awake that whole time.

He had heard Suguro.

And he was not going to forget it.


	2. Back then

Sorry, it's been a while since I started this story. But, here you go! Second chapter.

* * *

Rin's P.O.V

* * *

I waved goodbye to Yukio, grinning cheerfully as he left the room by means of on of the many keys he possessed. He flashed me a quick half smile before closing the door behind him with a _click._ As soon as I was sure he was gone, I let my tail droop. It trailed on the ground as I slunk upstairs, all evidence of a smile wiped from my face.

I continued up the many stairs until I'd reached our hallway. I went to our room, dropped my sword on my bed, stripped off my shirt, (it was too hot to be wearing it anyways,) and kicked off my shoes before sighing and sitting down on the bed, making it bounce. Now, all that was left to do was wait. Yukio had gone to file a report and tell the big shots what had happened. Given their hatred for me, I wouldn't be surprised if they issued another order to kill me. It really would be something those bastards would do.

But, for some reason, I couldn't muster up any anger, or hate, or resentment. I couldn't feel anything but the growing pressure on my chest. I knew that feeling. But I had no choice but to ignore it. But oh, did I know it well. I remembered it from back then, when I was twelve. That was when it really started. That year... that was the year of dread. Next was the year of pain. Then, after that, recovery. But... it was hard, it's still hard, and it will _always _be hard for someone like me.

I don't know how long I sat there, pushing down the feelings, wanting to scream, to throw something. But I'd learned to control my anger, to bottle it up and forget it. And that's what would happen this time, just like last time. I'd get over it. All these thoughts swirled through my head, making me shiver despite the heat. Finally, at long last, I couldn't take it anymore. I might've sat there for two minutes, maybe even two hours, and I needed to move. I needed to remind myself. I forced myself to get off the bed, walk myself to the hallway, and move myself down the hall to the bathroom that I used to hold my stuff. I didn't want Yukio to use my shower things. I didn't want him to find my old... acquaintances.

I shut and locked the door behind me and went to the closet. I opened it up and pulled out a small plastic bag, that had all of my shower things in it. Along with a few other accessories. I unzipped it as I walked over to one of the many sinks. I dug through it, grumbling incoherently until I found what I was looking for. I withdrew my hand, forefinger and thumb pinching a razor blade. The light caught on it's metallic surface and glimmered with deadly beauty.

I'd only taken it out to look at it, to remind myself what I'd been through, but... the heavy, sinking feeling that was pressing on my chest, squeezing my lungs and heart, that all too familiar feeling was egging me on, encouraging me to do what deep inside, I really wanted to do. It would certainly relieve the pain-albeit temporarily-but it would relieve it.

I pulled at my hair and felt the razor prick my ear. No! I couldn't go back to that! I was lucky enough to not be found out when I last felt like this, but I couldn't risk it again! I was surrounded by people, constantly. I was in school, I was having training where my shirt could easily be lost and-

But... wait.

My hands dropped to my sides. No... now that I had awoken to my demonic side, all of my cuts healed, right? Almost instantly? With no scars? That's right... I could do it, I could alleviate the pain and not have anything to show for it! I wouldn't worry Yukio, or anybody, if they ever talked to me again. I could do it.

I held my arm over the sink, trembling slightly, and pressed the blade against the soft flesh of the inside of my wrist. I sucked in a breath as I dragged it across in a perfect line, causing beads of blood to well up and merge together before dripping down. I did it again, and again, feeling more and more of the suffocating pressure leaving my body along with the blood. I was already seven cuts in when I noticed something.

They weren't healing.

I blinked, eying the lacerations with curiosity. The blood still pulsed with my heartbeat, but there wasn't a sign of the cuts closing, or even the blood flow slowing down. I inhaled slowly and sent a rush of flames down my arm, seeing if that would speed the healing process. The adrenaline released with the blue fire only made my heart race, causing the blood to trickle faster, harder, making round, scarlet circles against the shockingly white sink.

Hm.

Interesting.

Not taking my eyes from the still bleeding cuts, I grabbed the box of tissues on the counter and pressed a few to the wounds, trying to cease the blood. Eventually, it did slow, but it didn't stop completely. I had just thrown out the bloody tissues and cleaned, dried, and shoved the razor into my pocket when I heard a door slam down the hall. My head whipped towards the noise, heart pounding.

"Nii-san?! I'm back!" Yukio called out. I darted out of the bathroom door, shutting it behind me, and raced down the hall to our room, where Yukio was hanging up his coat. I stifled a yelp of surprise at his quick entrance and pressed my arm to my side, hoping there wasn't any visible blood. He gave me small smile as he unbuckled his gun belt and draped it over the back of his chair.

"Consider yourself lucky, Nii-san, that you didn't seriously injure someone. The officials almost decided to lock you up until Mephisto stepped in and explained the situation." He said quietly. I paled and moved my arm behind my back. Had I really sat there for over three hours? It had felt like no time at all. Huh. Go figure.

I frowned and inched sideways, still trying to hide the evidence of my feelings. I sat down on my bed and with my other arm, picked up my shirt. Crap, it was white! Ah well, I could say that it had been there from the fight. But what if he insisted that he treat the wound? What then? No, don't think about that, just put the goddamn shirt on, it's better than nothing.

"Nii-san? Are you listening?"

My head jerked upwards, eyes wide. I hadn't heard him speaking at all.

"Uhhh..." I muttered, feeling a blush dust my cheeks. Yukio sighed.

"I said, you need to be more careful. I know that Poludnica is a rather strong demon, and that it's easy for her to get inside someone's head, but you're an exorcist! You have to be more careful about these things. You..." He gulped and went on, as if second guessing what he was about to say. But I knew, I was dreading it too. "You can kill someone, Nii-san, if you're not careful. I talked to the other students, and they're willing to forgive you this time, but next time... No, there won't be a next time, and if there is, I won't just shoot your shoulder. I'll have to kill you if it gets out of hand."

I sat, wide eyed, and staring at my younger brother. At length, I stood up. I couldn't take this. I wouldn't be lectured anymore about things that were blatantly obvious to me. I walked over to the door.

"I'm going for a walk. I'll be back late." I murmured quietly, not looking at my twin. I placed my hand on the doorknob, shirt in my other hand, which was placed against my chest.

"Nii-san, are you feeling okay?" Yukio asked, concern in his voice. I looked over my shoulder at him.

"Y-yeah, why do you ask?" I lied. Not that it was very believable, but it was better than nothing. Yukio scowled at me and huffed.

"I know when you're lying, Nii-san. Please tell me." He insisted. I faked a grin and waved my clean hand in dismissal.

"It's nothing for you to worry your ass about. I'll be fine." I forced a laugh and left the room before he could protest. I quickly pulled on my shirt as I walked and cursed, remembering my jacket. I couldn't go back, not know. I knew that questions would be waiting for me when I got back, but I couldn't deal with them now. I'd deal with it later. I just needed a break. I looked at my sleeve and found that it was dotted with blood. I sighed. I'd bleach it later.

I left the dorm, my steps quickening as I made my way down the campus's walkway. It was getting dark already, and I could feel my emotions growing again. I needed to get away from it all. From the sadness, the pain, the emptiness. That was it. Emptiness. I never really understood how someone could feel so much pain that they didn't feel anything.

Until, of course, it happened to me. Well, I didn't understand a lot of things until it happened to me. Why do people cut themselves, that's stupid! Why would someone want to feel pain? Why would someone steal alcohol to drink themselves asleep? Why would they take too many sleeping pills to escape into a nightmare? Why? Why? I wondered those things up until I'd done them. Until I'd cut myself. Until I'd drunk myself asleep. Until I'd stolen Shiro's sleeping pills to escape the world, only to find a horrifying place filled with terrifying dreams. I'd only done that last one about three times though. I'd found it too scary. Although...

No. Cutting was one thing. But drugs... I won't do it. No. No. Besides, wasn't it too early to start thinking like this? To start planning out my life, only to not actually live it? It had been one mistake, and it had only been a day. Tomorrow it would be all better, right? I mean, Yukio said that my friends had forgiven me for it. So, everything was going to be okay! Right?

But...

But something inside of me told me that mistake was the straw that broke the camels back. It was my last try. Before that, my thoughts were, 'one more fuck up, and you're gone. Dead.' Besides! What had that demon lady said to me?

_'In fact, none of them fully trust in him! They all have that seed of doubt, and with each small flicker, even as small as a match flare, the sapling grows, branching out like a great oak.'_

I stopped walking. Che. How could she put so much sad truth into such a beautiful sentence? Like a poem that etched itself into my heart. It pissed me off. She'd made the pain sound so... well, pleasant, in a destructive way.

My knees gave out and I collapsed, clutching where my heart was as a flash of pain raged through me. Why? Why wouldn't anyone trust me!? Why!?

Because I was a demon. That's why.

I felt tears threatening to fall, and I let them. A heart wrenching sob ripped through the still night air, and I clapped a hand over my mouth, muffling them. So, this is where I was.

And I had a feeling I'd be there for a long, long time.

In this goddamn pit.

With no way out.

Again.


	3. Fight

"H-hey, Okumura... S-sorry about yesterday, I was a bit tense that day, Y'know, and-" Bon tried to explain, but I cut him off with a laugh. I waved my hand dismissively.

"No big deal! Besides," I said, a grin plastered across my face. "Who'd listen to a crazy psycho demon bitch anyways?" Suguro laughed-albeit a bit uneasily- and punched my shoulder.

"No harm done?"

"No harm done."

"Dammit, I should've tried harder." I snickered and slapped him upside the head. He punched me back before rubbing his skull. There was a moment of silence between us as we walked, but eventually he broke it.

"Y-you know what she said about us not... you know... trusting you?" He started cautiously. I stiffened.

"Yeah?" Another silence.

"Well, it's not true. We do trust you. You're our friend." I was silent for a moment. I gulped, trying to relieve my own distrust that was causing my feelings to suffocate me. I looked up, a fake smirk on my face.

"Ha! Friends? Us two? You're delirious!" I joked. Bon growled and tried to put me in a headlock, but I ran ahead of him and unlocked the next broom closet I saw. I dashed in and shut it behind me, holding it closed as Suguro pounded against it, shouting insults at me. I took the moment to calm myself, to remind myself that I could do what I needed to do once class started, and I took a deep breath, preparing to run.

I let go of the door and ran for my life, locating the Cram School among the countless, almost identical others and darting inside before Bon could catch me. I hid under my desk and panted, trying to catch my breath as I heard the door open again.

"Where is that stupid-ass, moronic dumb Satanist!? Tell me, I'm gonna rip his throat out!"

I knew it was a joke, but it still hurt. It hurt even more now that I knew they didn't trust me, and that part of Ryuji's insult was true. Somewhere, deep inside, he did think I was a Satan worshiping demon.

"I-foouuund-youuuuu..." The deadly sounding voice echoed above me. I yelped as he grabbed me by the back of my collar and pulled me out, slamming me to the ground and causing a wrestling match to start up in the middle of the classroom. I finally struggled free of Bon's choke hold and scrambled away.

I stuck my tongue out at him and stood up. He and Shiemi, the only other people in the room looked at me curiously as I made my way to the door.

"I'll be back in a minute. I won't be late, promise." I gave them a thumbs up and left the room, hurrying down the hallway towards the bathroom. My breaths quickened as I stepped inside and locked the door behind me. I drew the pencil sharpener out of my pocket and took a breath. Then, without another moments hesitation, I dropped the sharpener on the floor and stepped on it, shattering the plastic, but leaving the blades intact. I picked them up, heart pounding, and swept the crushed plastic into my hand, dumping them into the trash bin as I made my way over to the sink. I leaned against the porcelain, tucking the smaller of the two metal blades into my pocket, and rolling my left sleeve up, exposing my canvas. Red, puffy lines showed where I'd sliced into my skin last night, and the blood had hardened over the wounds, healing like a normal person's injuries would.

I let go of the breath I'd been holding, and dragged the metal across the inside of my forearm. I hissed, relishing in the pain. I pressed it into my arm again, and, before I knew what was happening, I had already made three more cuts. Blood dotted the sink, bright red and thick against the pure white of the bowl. I shoved the dirtied blade into my pocket, along with the other one, and grabbed a fistful of tissues. I held them to the cuts, willing them to stop bleeding.

"Okumura!"

I jumped, frightened, but then remembered that I'd locked the door. I replied after a moment.

"Y-yeah?"

"What the hell are you doing in there, writing a novel? Class is starting." It was Bon. I responded, saying that I'd be out in a second, and rolled my sleeve down again. For once I was thankful that I had to wear a dark jacket, even in this heat. After I was sure the blood wasn't going to be visible through the black fabric, I stepped out of the bathroom and headed down the hall. I entered my classroom quietly and took my seat. Yukio glared at me for a moment before continuing with whatever he was saying previously.

Shiemi smiled at me in greeting before returning to her note taking. I realized that I should be doing the same and took out my note pad and pen. I absentmindedly took notes as Yukio explained about some herb called marigold, and how it was used to exorcise small, low class infection demons.

I zoned out after while, my pen stopped moving and I stared blankly into space. Why did everyone love Yukio? He was Satan's kid too! The only difference was the fact that I had the flames and the demonic features. I was a less adept exorcist than he was, I was nicer, I was more social! How could they not trust me?!

Because you act more like a demon. Because they've seen you go berserk. That's why. They have a reason to be afraid. They have a reason to not trust you. They-

"Okumura-kun! Are you paying attention?!" I heard Yukio's voice above me, and I looked up at him. Anger flared in my chest. Why couldn't I be him?!

" 'Okumura-kun, are you paying attention?!' Does it _look_ like I'm paying attention, dumbass?!" I mocked him angrily.

There was an awkward silence, and I could feel everyone's gaze burning into my back, but I held my gaze with my more adept, stronger, more likable brother. Yukio stared at me, eyes wide with shock, but he soon snapped out of it. He frowned and pointed to the door.

"If you're too tired to attend class today, please excuse yourself." He said in that stupid, know-it-all teacher voice.

"I'd be more than obliged, _Sensei_." I stood up, slamming my hands on the desk top and grabbing my sword as I walked away, my narrowed eyes not leaving Yukio until I got past him.

I slammed the door behind me and stalked down the hall tail twitching and swishing in frustration as I walked. I pulled out my key and used it to open a door to my dorm room. Once inside, I threw my sword onto my bed, took off my jacket and shirt, and carried the clothing to the washroom.

I stuck the bloodied clothes in the washing machine and went back to my room to change. I stripped off my dress pants and uniform shoes and pulled out my jeans, sneakers, and a hoodie. I slipped on a t-shirt before putting the other clothes on. I tied the laces on my worn sneakers and left the dorm room. Like hell I was going to stay there and wait for that damn Yukio to come back and lecture me.

I walked out of the dormitory and hurried down the street. I wanted to go somewhere where no one would look to find me. Somewhere like... like downtown! No one would think to find me there. I mainly stayed in True Cross town these days.

But today, I wanted a break from being an Exorcist. I just wanted to be a normal teenager again. Normal Rin Okumura, with his demon-like personality, is anger management issues, his constant fights and-

Fights.

That's what I needed. I needed to get into an old school brawl. Those back alley fistfight that was so commonly linked to Rin Okumura. No swords, so flames, no guns, just hand to hand combat.

But I couldn't just go looking for trouble. No. But that wouldn't be a problem, seeing as somehow, someway, trouble always seemed to find me.

I quickened my pace and glanced at the sky. Seeing as it was still summer-even if it was late in the season-the sun was still high in the sky, burning down on me as I finally left the school campus. Now, I was walking down one of the many main streets of True Cross town.

I needed to get out. I needed to be by myself in the real world now. The world where normal people lived blissfully normal lives and went on with their days without worrying about demons, or exorcists or any of that crap. The worst thing a kid my age would be worrying about would be having his parents finding him drunk somewhere or something.

Getting drunk sounded pretty good right now.

Not for fun, but just to escape. To pass out somewhere, even if it was against some wall of a store building. I'd done it a couple times before. And each time, I'd get back around three or four in the morning, still tipsy, and have a horrible hangover the next morning that I would barely be able to pass of as being sick.

But still.

I'd forget.

And I needed it now more than I needed it when I was thirteen or fourteen. I had worse problems now.

I shook my head. I couldn't get into that. Besides, where could I get it now? In my old town, I'd either steal a bit from the monastery, or I'd buy it off a pub owner who was short of money. Tch. Even as a little kid, I had fucking _suppliers._

I heard the bang of a cross gate closing and I looked up. A truck cruised on past down the road, and the guards were about to go back to their posts when they spotted me. They waved. I faked a smile and waved back.

"Going somewhere kid?" The older man asked. I nodded.

"Yeah. I just need to get outta here for a while." I answered. He grinned and patted me on the back as I left True Cross.

I sighed, thankful to be free. I dug my hands further into my sweater pockets and continued my walk. I could hear the bustling city, just a short ways off, and sped up. I couldn't wait. Hopefully, no one I knew would run into me while I was here.

I wandered through the winding streets for a while, not paying attention. I just... drifted. That was enough though. It made me feel normal to just be my old self. Quiet, but seething inside. And if someone pushed the limit, I'd snap. I had a feeling that I was already reverting back to that place. I didn't regret it, not fully at least. Fighting helped, or, at least being able to punch _something._ It didn't _have _to be a person, it could be a wall, a building, etc. But the point was, I was angry.

"Ow! Watch it, asshole!"

I had accidentaly bumped into someone, a boy maybe one year older than I. He shoved me hard on the shoulder and I stumbled to the side. I looked up, glaring hard at the athletic teen. He laughed.

"Don't glare at me, kid, you don't know what you're getting into."

I stood up straighter and took my hands out of my pockets. I sighed. I was really no different than how I used to be, always itching for a fight. Hell, my mind must've subconciously steered me towards this guy _just _so I could piss him off somehow. But whatever. I'd take the opprotunity. I clenched my fist angrily.

"Shut up, punk."


	4. Sick Cycle

It's been sooo long since I last updated this story, sorry guys! But here ya go, fourth chapter! Luv you guys! Muah! -3-

* * *

I shook out my wrist and inspected the split knuckles as my opponent lay on the ground touching his lip. His friends had run away scared, and it was now just me and him, and the circle of people around us. They had gathered soon after we'd started our brawl, but they'd stayed where they were, apparently too frightened to attempt to stop us.

"Dude, you punch hard!" I looked down at the teen in surprise. His voice wasn't bitter, in fact, it was excited. He grinned up at me devilishly. "You've had experience, haven't you?" He asked, wiping the blood from the corner of his mouth. I stared, open mouthed, as he held out his hand expectantly. Dumbstruck, I took hold of it and helped him to his feet. This was the first time someone hadn't badmouthed me right after I beat the hell out of them, so I was interested.

He brushed off his pants and shirt and ran a hand through his hair. He took a look around at the crowd and waved dismissively at them.

"Go away, show's over!" He shouted with a glare. Almost instantly, they rushed away, too scared to oppose him. He sighed and gestured down an alleyway with his thumb. "C'mon, someone's probably called the police. If you wanna get caught, by all means, stay here. But, there are better options." He said, walking away into the shadows of the alley. After a moments hesitation, I followed him.

He led me through a tangle of back streets and alleys to an old, decrepit building that looked like it was a mix between a bar and an apartment building. He opened the door-which squeaked loudly-and stepped inside. I followed him hesitantly. I didn't trust this guy, but I didn't want to get caught by the police. So my best chance was to stay here until the danger had passed.

I looked at my surroundings. It seemed like this guy kept the place as clean as he could, but it was still pathetic. It did seem to be a bar, and there was a stairway leading up to what I guessed was an apartment. And when he'd walked in, he'd switched the lights on, so that meant he owned the place or something. How the hell did he own a building though!? Or, maybe he just owned this part? Ah, whatever.

"So, you didn't answer my question earlier, kid. You get in fights often?" He snickered and hoisted himself up onto the counter top. I stayed where I was, but somehow I felt a little bit more relaxed.

"Y-yeah... well, that was my first, ah, street fight in a while." I looked away and clenched and un-clenched my fist. I had gotten rid of the anger that had built up, thankfully, but that damn suffocating feeling still had an iron grip on me.

"You want something to drink?"

My eyes snapped back up to him, shocked and, I have to admit, with a bit of hope. I guess the desperation had shown, because he laughed.

"I'll take that as a 'yes' then." He said, getting off of the counter and walking to a small refrigerator in the corner of the small bar area. Well, how fitting. I forced myself to take a step back. I knew I should run, I knew the police weren't looking for a small nuisance such as our fight, and I knew that I couldn't get back into this. But I couldn't make myself leave. That one step was the only one I took. That one, pathetic, weak attempt to fight the urge.

"Here, catch." My hands raised before my mind could tell it to stop, and I caught the can. I stared at it for a minute, then looked at the kid who was now popping open another can.

"Where did you get these?" I asked warily. _'What the hell, Rin?! Tell him you don't want it!' _The guy took a sip from the beer and leaned against the counter.

"My dad's a total alcoholic, and he doesn't mind letting me take some back here. He'll do anything to get me out of the house. Anything." He muttered. It might have just been my eyes playing tricks on me, but I thought I saw a flash of pain in his eyes when he said it. I stayed where I was for a moment, gazing at the can of cheap beer, then pulled the tab. The drink fizzed and I murmured a 'thank you' before taking a tentative sip. It tasted the same.

Disgusting and relieving.

But, before I knew it, I was drinking it down faster than I needed to. I pulled it away from my lips and gasped. I felt tears pricking at my eyes and I closed them to hold them back. I heard my acquaintance snicker and I walked forwards towards where he was. I pulled myself up onto the counter a little ways from him and looked at him.

"What's your name?" I asked, taking the last sip from the can and setting it down next to me. The kid looked up, his dirty blonde, dyed hair falling into his face on one side.

"Rouga. You?" He answered, looking away. I sighed.

"Rin." There was an awkward moment of silence between us before I asked him a question to break the ice. I'd also been wondering it, ever since he invited me to come with him. "Why are you being so... well, I guess, nice to me? I kicked your ass back there and you complimented me. Then reminded me that the police were probably going to come check it out." There was another quiet spell before he huffed.

"You have the same eyes as I do. You weren't fighting 'cause you really wanted to, but because you needed to get rid of anger. But you still... you looked like you needed something else. I was right, wasn't I?" He said, glancing at my empty can of beer. I felt my face heat up and I nodded. He went on. "So, tell me, who pissed you off?" He smirked. I looked down at the floor before answering him.

"Well, it was my brother, I guess. He's a teacher at the school I go to, and he was treating me like a little kid. He always does, it's fuckin' annoying, y'know?" I couldn't keep the words from falling out of my mouth. But this guy... he felt the same as I did.

"Yeah, I know that feeling, my dad does that."

.

.

.

"You want another one?" He asked quietly. My body moved on it's own and I shrugged.

"Sure."

As I was handed the beer, I knew that this was wrong. It was the wrong way to go, it was going to kill me... unless I killed myself first. Yeah, I was feeling that bad. Already. Two days and I'd already fallen to that point.

It was a sick cycle, get depressed, get happy, fall.

And I was stuck again.

* * *

I sighed and walked slowly through the dark streets of the town. I was almost back to True Cross town, but I'd stopped and taken a rest a few minutes back. I had too, I almost fell asleep, so I leaned against the wall for a little bit. Thankfully, no one saw me.

I felt the world tip a little bit and I placed my hand on a sign post to steady myself. I wasn't that drunk, I'd only had five beers, but it had been a few years since I was last drinking.

My breath hitched and I covered my mouth. I was near the guards post, and I couldn't draw attention to myself. I might not have been stumbling all over the place, but it would be easy to see that I'd been drinking.

But... I couldn't help it. It was pitiful. I don't know how I managed to stop drinking the last time, I was too focused on becoming a normal person again that I didn't remember, but I do remember the feeling of elation, the feeling of having accomplished something. And since almost no one else knew, it was like I'd earned an invisible medal.

And that medal was stripped away from me in less than two minutes.

I sobbed and crumpled against the sign. I leaned my back against it and hid my face from the world with my hands. I ran my fingers through my hair and grabbed at the raven locks, pulling until my eyes watered even more with the pain. I deserved it. I totally deserved it. I deserved to feel the pain. I'd stooped to that level again, that level below the darkness people associate with depression. It was pain, that's what depression was, pain, not darkness. Depression is when the sun gets so bright it burns your eyes.

So you take matters into your own hands and inflict the pain yourself.

Depression doesn't make you submit to the world.

It makes you submit to yourself.

Another muffled wail ripped through the calm, cool night air, and I slammed my head against the metal post, causing a headache. I took a deep breath in, and tried to calm down, but I couldn't. That's the bad thing about alcohol, it does this thing to me. When I've reached my limit, and I'm wasted, I'm happy. I feel euphoric, like I could be that way forever and do anything I set my mind to. But at this level, I just feel worse than I was before.

And now, it had added a great new feature!

It made me remember every single part of the last time I was like this.

Like that time when I was high on one of Shiro's meds and I cut myself. It started to bleed a lot, and I thought I was going to die.

Or that time when I got into a fight when I was drunk and I came home, bloody, bruised, and staggering. The others had believed that I'd taken a blow to the head and I was off balance, but _god_ were they wrong.

And then that time... that time when I was so desperate for release that I stole Shiro's sake from the kitchen cupboards when he was in the room. It was a close call, I was nearly caught, but I managed to get out of the house before he noticed it-or I-was gone. I think that was the night I passed out on a bench at the playground. I had woken up with a splitting headache and a horrible stomach ache. Thankfully, no one had found me and I got rid of the sake bottle before anyone got there.

I laughed mirthlessly and shook my head. God, I was so pathetic. Not as smart, strong, likable, attractive, or focused as my brother. Not respectable, not needed for anything but a weapon against Satan. Damn it.

I stood up on shaky legs and started walking again. I had to make it home, and hopefully Yukio either wasn't there, or was asleep. It was pretty late, wasn't it?

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and tried to check the time, but my vision was too blurry to see it, and the harsh, un-natural light hurt my eyes. I put it away and sped up a little. I could feel my eyes closing, I had to get back to the dorm as soon as possible.

The rest of the walk seemed like a blur. Nothing was in focus, like I was already half asleep, and before I knew it, I was in front of the door. I grabbed the handle and pulled. I lost my balance and fell. I landed on the base of my tail, which cause me to arch my back and cry out, but I got up again and managed to get inside without any further complications.

Yukio had left the lights on, probably for me, but I couldn't remember where the switch was, so I gave up and took hold of the railing and made my way up the stairs on unsteady feet. I walked as quietly as I could down the hallway to our room and opened the door a crack. The light was still on, and I heard Yukio turn around from where he was probably sitting at his desk. I took a deep breath, straightened up, and tried to look as sober as possible. I entered the room and looked at Yukio head on.

He looked tired. He stood up and crossed his arms. He just stood there, glaring at me. I turned away and pushed my anger down. He was going to try and lecture me, I just knew it.

"Look, Yukio, 'm sorry I yelled in class earlier... I was... stressed out 'nd I... I kinda just snapped." Shit. I was slurring. Not too much though, I could probably pass it off as being tired.

I flinched as I felt my brother's hand on my shoulder and I tensed up. If he got close enough, he could probably smell the alcohol on my breath.

"Nii-san, there is something wrong, and you're going to tell me what it is... now." He said firmly. My breaths sped up, and I closed my mouth. No. No, I couldn't tell him.

"There's nothin' wrong, Yukio, I told ya, 'm just stressed and tired."

"There's something wrong. I know it, Nii-san, and I know when you're lying."

I felt that anger and suffocation come back and I turned around. I stared him right in the eye. "Do you really? Did this magical super-power just happen in the past year, or have you actually always had it?" I said sarcastically. He knew nothing. He knew nothing of when I was depressed the last time. He didn't know I was cutting. He didn't know I was drinking. He didn't know that I used to get high. Right?

We stood there, staring at each other for what seemed like eternity before I turned around and collapsed on my bed. I kicked my shoes off and heard them hit the floor. I grabbed the covers, pulled them up to my neck, and turned away from Yukio, not bothering to tell him to go to sleep, or to go to hell. I'd have rather said the latter, but I didn't have the energy. In fact, I was already fading off to sleep the moment I touched the bed.

One memory haunted my mind though.

One thing that Rouga had offered before I left.

_"If you need anything... drinks, drugs... come here. I know the feeling of needing them. You're welcome to come here for 'em."_

The scary thing was...

I was close to accepting it.


End file.
